* All right!
* Hey!
* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
What are you doing?
I'm moving your "exercise equipment."
I think we should get it out of our daughter's room.
I use the treadmill.
For running?
No. Speed walking.
With my dumbbells.
Okay. Dumbbells? Get over yourself, okay?
I could clean my ears with these things.
Come on.
It's just that Allison's coming home from college for the first time,
and I want her to still feel like this is still home, so...
It's still her room. It just has a treadmill in it.
You can't keep it like a museum forever.
Why not? They do at the Betsy Ross house.
Her old-time glasses there on the bench,
and the musket in the corner,
the half-sewn flag just sitting there
like she just got up to go to the can.
It's so dark in here. Maybe I'll change the colors.
It's how she likes it.
It's traumatic. It's dark purple, like a...
Contusion?
Look, honey.
You don't quite understand Allison the way I do. She's just like me.
And bright colors and exercise equipment
makes us want to start punching stuff.
Yeah, I know. You two always had something special.
I go through 20 hours of labor, I cook, I clean.
You show her how to do an arm fart,
and suddenly you're the magic man.
Yeah, that was a turning point.
All right, she's going to be here any second,
so come on, let's move it.
Okay, you see, right there.
That's why you're not the favorite.
Fine.
All right, come on. All right.
On three. It's heavy, so put your caboose into it. All right?
One, two, and three.
(GRUNTING)
What's happening?
Oh, my side has wheels.
So, I'm lifting and I'm going backwards. What are you doing?
I'm spotting you.
All right, you know what? I am truly moved by your chivalry.
Switch sides, jackass.
Jackass? Okay, ready?
And here we go. I will guide you.
Okay. All righty.
Okay, could you not push?
Sorry.
Wait. It's too big.
Oh, now I am remembering that I took it apart to get it in here.
(DOOR SLAMS)
ALLISON: Hello?
She's here!
Anybody home?
Anybody want to see their daughter,
or should I just head back to college
and continue with my pretty heavy underage drinking?
See ya.
Eddie!
Squeeze through!
(GRUNTING)
Help!
Oh, there she is!
Hi, Daddy.
Where's Mom? JOY: Ow!
Just push your body through the machine!
JOY: I can't! My hair's caught!
Wow! You have Mom tied to a machine.
Should I go?
Are you kidding? It'll give us more time to talk.
Allie!
Oh! Hey, Mom.
Hi!
Does she look great, huh?
Yeah. A little skinny.
So? How was skiing with the boyfriend?
Skiing was cold, painful, and expensive.
Honestly, I have no idea how that sport got through.
But Ryan's amazing.
Did you like his family?
Yes. His mom was great. His dad was great. His brother was great.
And they're all really nice and funny and successful.
Yeah.
Actually, I found myself wishing something would go wrong for one of them.
Oh, I hope you don't mind, Mom,
but I brought home about four months' worth of my laundry.
Oh, don't be silly. Your mom lives for that.
(LAUGHS) You haven't washed anything since you left?
(GASPS)
Wow! Tangy!
Oh. You know, if anything smells like pot, it's because of my roommate.
And she's Jamaican, so it's, you know, part of her culture.
BOTH: Happy holidays!
Hey, we're just dropping by to tell you we're back from our trip.
Thanks so much for taking in our mail.
Yeah, no problem.
It's kind of wet.
I'm going to level with you.
It was sitting on your porch in the snow up until about an hour ago.
Guys, this is Allison, our daughter.
She's back from college for winter break.
Hey.
(CHUCKLING) Oh, my God! Hi!
Okay. Oh, my God. We're hugging. Oh!
It's very nice to meet you. Hi.
So, how was Christmas in Minnesota?
Oh, it was really nice.
Jeff and my parents are both divorced and remarried,
so we actually get four Christmases.
Quadruple the joy.
I got caught under the mistletoe with my stepmom.
A little too much eggnog. She...
She really went for it.
It's good to be home, though!
Yeah.
Hey, we're having a little New Year's gathering
and we wanted to invite you guys.
Oh, New Year's Eve. Yeah, not a fan.
Way too much pressure to make it the best night ever, you know.
Y2K, that kind of got me excited,
'cause there was always that chance of the world shutting down.
All right, well, hey, we should go. We should go.
But if you change your mind about the party, you know where to find us.
Happy holidays. Feliz Navidad.
Joyeux Noel!
God, they're exhausting.
Yeah. So, Allie, you want to go upstairs...
(CELL PHONE BEEPING) Hang on a second.
I got a text message. Ooh! It's from Ryan.
Already, huh?
He had a really great time with me.
He's been doing some thinking.
Some things happened this weekend,
and his Aunt Joan overheard me making fun of her mustache.
Oh, my God!
I'm a really great girl, but...
Oh, God. He... Oh, my God!
(SOBBING) He dumped me!
What? Oh, honey.
I loved him so much!
Sweetheart!
Mom!
(CRYING)
It's okay! Mommy's here.
Why are men such idiots?
Oh, I don't know. But they sure are, aren't they?
You know what? Let's go splash some water on that face
and we'll snuggle in and we'll talk all about it, okay?
Okay. All right.
You might want to get started on that laundry.
Okay. All right.
Now, this load gonna be a cold/cold, a cold/warm, a warm/warm, a hot...
(ALLISON SOBBING) Oh, okay!
Daddy will figure it out!
* Ooh
Hey.
Hi, there.
11:00 a.m.?
Yeah, Allison and I were up so late talking last night.
She's never poured her heart out to me like that before.
She was crying and she was shaking a little.
So much pain.
It's kind of fantastic!
I can't believe how happy you are
that she went to you and not me.
Look at you gloat.
I'm not gloating. I'm having my coffee.
And I'm dancing a little.
Yeah, well, meanwhile...
Meanwhile, I did 10 loads of her laundry.
And I have to say, I found things in her pockets
that a father just shouldn't see.
But on the plus side, at least she's having safe sex.
I can't believe she didn't come to me.
She always comes to me.
Well, maybe that's because she's growing up,
and now she needs a woman to understand what she's going through.
Besides, this is our child we're talking about.
It is not a competition.
Although, if it were a competition,
this would clearly be a big win for me.
Okay, this is not over.
Good morning, sweetheart. Hey.
So, I hear your mom talked your ear off
pretty good last night, huh?
Yeah, I been there.
Hey, why don't we hop in the car?
We'll go get a couple of cheesesteaks.
Dad, I really... Oh, come on.
Allison, it's our tradition.
Dad, I haven't even had breakfast yet.
Oh, stop with the not having breakfast.
Come on, I'll tell you what.
We'll go get a doughnut on the way over.
And by the way, the drier's gonna ding in a half hour,
so you may wanna get that.
Good morning. Hi.
I'll take the pizza steak with the wiz and onions.
And crisp cut fries with the wiz on it.
And make sure I get some extra wiz on the side
just to make absolutely sure that my heart stops beating before noon.
(LAUGHS)
Same for you, honey?
Actually, I'll have a cheesesteak with peppers and onions,
but hold the cheese and the steak, and also no bun.
I think you just ordered air.
Well, I gotta stop eating so much crap.
What do you mean? You love this stuff.
Hey, Maurice. Get some wiz into this kid pronto, will ya?
(STAMMERING) What's the matter?
Are you still depressed about the guy? Huh?
Well, you know what? That's okay.
I want you to let it out. Cry it out to Daddy.
Cry it all out. Daddy!
That's it. Okay. Thank you, Maurice.
There you go. Okay. Come on over here.
Oh! Hi! Hey! Hey, you guys!
Hey! Hi. What are you two doing here?
Oh, just picking up our 10-foot hoagie for the party tonight.
Oh. Ooh!
It's freezing out!
(GROWLING)
Stop!
I just can't help it. You're so cute when you're cold.
Your nose is all red, your skin's all flaky,
you have that little shiny snot stream coming down.
It's adorable.
Listen, if you guys change your minds about the party,
the invitation is still open, all right?
Okay. All right.
So, you had a nice talk with Mom last night?
Yeah. That's good.
It's important to talk it out.
Your mom is an amazing lady. Very wise.
Of course, when you left for school,
she wasted no time bringing in a treadmill.
That's just kinda gotta break your heart a little bit.
Come on, over here. Big treadmill cry.
It's fine.
I actually ran on it this morning.
You did? But we don't believe in physical fitness.
It's a hoax, like those freaking hybrid cars.
No, you don't believe in it. We're not the same person.
Well, we kinda are.
Well, I don't want to be.
I talked to Ryan last night.
You know why he broke up with me? Because of you!
Me? He never even met me.
He didn't have to.
He said I was too dark and too negative and sarcastic.
And where did I get that from? From you.
(STAMMERING) I'm not negative. I'm provocative.
I'm raw. I make people think.
Okay. Most dads tell their little girls
bedtime stories about princesses and fairies.
You told me about the Cuban Missile Crisis.
Yeah, but I did it in that delightful Ricky Ricardo voice.
(IMITATING RICKY RICARDO) "Lucy, they're coming around with the missiles.
"Listen to me now, Lucy."
Come on. I mean, that is... You know, that's charming.
Would you rather I was one of those nice, sweet, happy people?
Come on.
Yes!
Growing up in our house, I didn't even know any different,
but those people do exist.
Ryan was one of them.
But he was wrong for you.
You hang out with people like that, you wind up being
a grown man who celebrates his wife's mucus.
Bye-bye! Bye!
Well, I think that's nice.
They seem nice, and normal and happy.
You know what? I'm going to go to their party tonight.
And I'm going to make a New Year's resolution.
You know what it is? What?
From now on, I'm going to be more like them and less like you.
Look, I'm going to say this because I care.
Is this your roommate's pot talking?
* Ooh
Happy New Year.
Guess it's just you and me tonight.
Yup.
I'm sorry I drove our child away with my...
Personality?
Bingo.
What you doing?
I'm just thinking about the girl that Allison used to be.
I found one of her old school notebooks,
and the first thing I turned to
is this essay she wrote about the universe
and how pointless it all is.
She was quite a 10-year-old.
Yes, she was.
Oh. Look at this.
Remember how she used to "rage against the machines"?
Yeah. You do know that's a band, right?
I do now.
You know, I was just thinking,
we really don't have that much time left with her.
What are you talking about?
Well, she's in college now, right?
So, the only time we're really going to see her is
during the holidays, spring break,
graduation, her wedding,
the birth of her child.
I'm counting 18 more days with her for the rest of our lives.
This is the dark stuff that she doesn't like, right? Okay.
How are we going to fix this?
Want to try to find her roommate's pot?
Or, we could stop talking about the girl that Allison was
and start thinking about the girl Allison wants to be.
Come on. Let's go to the Woodcocks' party. Let's try to act happy.
Or...
Eddie.
All right. All right. Fine.
We'll go throw confetti in the air like a bunch of morons
because the Earth made it around the sun on more time.
Eddie. Last time. Last time.
I'm just getting it out of my system.
This is going to be the best New Year's ever.
(CROWS)
(LAUGHS)
ALL: Ten! Nine! Eight! Seven!
Oh, my God. Were we being too loud?
You didn't call the cops, did you?
Hell, no. We are here to party!
ALL: Happy New Year!
(ALL CHEERING)
(LAUGHING)
Wow! So, what's going on? My watch says 10:30.
Oh, instead of waiting for midnight,
we celebrate New Year's in each approaching time zone.
Right now, it's New Year's in Newfoundland.
(BLOWS HORN)
What are you guys doing here?
Hey. Hey. There she is.
You know what? We think that you had a point
that maybe we're just being a little too dark, so all of that is over.
Right? Yeah. Right, hon?
Yeah. Absolutely. We're here to party.
As Kool once said to his gang,
"Celebrate good times. Come on!"
Are you guys serious?
Oh, I'm as serious as a ship off Newfoundland in a big storm.
Hey! A hat!
All right, people. Time to break out the limbo stick.
All CHANTING: Russ! Russ! Russ! Russ!
Russ! Russ! Eddie! Eddie!
Eddie! Eddie! Eddie! Eddie!
Take it in there. Bend down.
You come up to me.
ALL: Eddie! Eddie!
Joy! Joy! Joy! Joy!
(ALL CHEERING)
My New Year's resolutions are:
I'm gonna lose two pounds,
I'm gonna master Quicken,
and I'm gonna do what I can to help save all the wild horses.
(ALL EXCLAIM)
Eddie?
Oh, uh, wow, okay. Um...
I, too, would like to lose two pounds.
What else?
I'm gonna start to look at rainbows.
But I mean, really look at them for the first time in my life,
and not just the ones up in the sky,
even the ones on oil slicks, or stickers,
or roast beef when it's gone bad.
(CLEARS THROAT)
* Something strange In the neighborhood
* Who ya gonna call?
BOTH: * Ghostbusters!
(GHOSTBUSTERS THEME PLAYING)
BOTH: * I ain't afraid of no ghost *
(WHOOPS)
Thank you!
You okay, Dad? That was a pretty intense set.
Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.
I'm fine. I'm just getting started.
Okay, everybody, everybody. Steph! Steph, come here.
It's a few minutes to midnight,
and one of our Minnesota traditions is,
I dress up as an old man symbolizing the old year,
and somebody else dresses up as Baby New Year!
So who wants to put on a diaper?
Come on, we need somebody with really nice legs.
Hey, people, it's fun!
Diaper me.
* Oh
Okay, stop hopping and just step into it.
Well, I can't find the hole.
Hold the diaper... Hold the diaper steady!
Oh, God, I just flashed on us 30 years from now.
Okay, all right. Here, hold this.
Hold this, right? Okay. All right.
Right? Okay? Yeah.
(GRUNTING)
That's not diaper you're tugging, that's me!
All right, well, stop fighting me!
I am trying to fit a lot of stuff into a small space here.
I hear ya.
Hold this.
No! Look, look, you're rubbing me raw.
Can you see if they have any Vaseline?
Okay, you know what? Stop.
I care for you very deeply,
and I support everything you are trying to do right now, but...
This is going to be very hard for me to unsee.
And I would like to make love to you
at some point in the future, so I'm going to go.
Look, you gotta... She said...
(KNOCK ON DOOR) What?
Oh, hi, honey. Dad?
Yes, yes.
Hey...
This is fun.
The new me. I'm a big baby!
Yeah, um...
You don't have to do this for me.
What?
Look, I know you're trying to act all happy and excited
because I said that's what I wanted,
but now that I see it,
you in a diaper is worse than any dark side I could ever imagine.
This just isn't you,
and after a few hours here, this isn't really me, either.
Dad, can you put your shirt on?
Of course.
Sorry.
(CHUCKLES)
(SOFTLY) Okay. Excuse me.
I'm sorry about what I said.
I got dumped and I was upset and I just lashed out at you.
(SOFTLY) It's okay.
But you're a big, angry, dark, wonderful dad.
And I'm proud that I'm like you.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Come on, Eddie, 30 seconds to midnight.
My dad's not going to dress up like a baby, Jeff.
Yeah, I was chafing pretty bad.
What?
You're going to bail on us? I can't believe this!
Okay, everybody, our big baby just punched us right in the shorts!
Wow, it's pretty great when that guy gets angry.
Oh, it's the best.
You know, sometimes during car pool, he'll try to get in the car
and I just keep inching forward like that.
He goes ballistic. It's heaven.
(GIGGLES)
PEOPLE: Happy New Year!
(ALL CHEERING)
Happy New Year, Dad.
(PEOPLE APPLAUDING)
Happy New Year, honey.
Come here.
Thank you.
Okay, here we go. "Dear Ryan."
No, no, no. "Dear Assface."
Oh, sorry. Too dark still?
No, I just think that "assface" is going to be too strong out of the gate.
You know, I want him to read the whole thing.
Smart. Well-played. We'll end with "assface".
No, I disagree.
I mean, what are you going to say?
"I'm so hurt, I'm so sad, you hurt my feelings, blah, blah, blah."
I say cut to the chase.
"Dear Assface, suck it. See you in hell."
Listen to your mother.
(EXCLAIMS) I love you guys.
Nah.